HORRORSCOPES

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least of it, unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could some special deep significance that applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, and you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true. Where was I? Oh yeah . . .

Aquarius

There is travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that pathetic void in your life by playing Whack-a-Mole seventeen hours a day.

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the E. Bola virus. Also, you ARE the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Taurus

You will never find true happiness. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? The stars predict that tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove roll of duct tape up your nose while taking you drivers test.

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosses face. Try eating a bucket of tuna flavored pudding. Then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent . . . except for you. Expect a big surprise today, when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick.

Libra

A big promotion is right around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem you stupid freak.

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back . . . KILL THEM! Take down all those pictures of Ernest Borgnine that you've got hanging in your den.

Capricorn

The stars say that you are an exciting and wonderful person, but you know that they are lying. If I was you I would lock my doors and windows and never ever leave my house again.







-Classless Chaps- with a little help from Weird Al

An Inconvenient Fallacy

I know for a fact from my own personal opinion that evil pervades society. Racism and bigotry continue to plague this country, war is a prevalent condition in many parts of the world, and the economic conditions of the world slump even as they globalize. As pervasive and as serious and as funny as these problems may seem there is however, but one major problem in this world. GLOBAL WARMING! I have never seen Al Gore's movie, but I did read about it on wikipedia, and I just want to go on the record with my own personal proposition on how the devastation of climate change can be "stopped cold." I know, I know...what can a twenty one year old college student studying the origins of the Bible and Ancient Greek possibly have to contribute to such a lofty discussion, but remember...this is my world too. If I kept my mouth shut about this then how could I continue on? What kind of person would I be? Simply put, and in accordance with all global policy, my plan is all about treating the symptoms rather than the cause…if indeed the actual cause could be determined.
A main problem from global warming is the melting polar ice cap and the subsequent increased level of the oceans. Why is this bad? Polar bears and Eskimos aside…we are talking about massive flooding on a Global scale. The earth’s coastal regions will be swallowed in an extremely slow moving wave of water, that over the next century could decimate beaches and iconic cities like San Francisco. There is of course no easy answer to this hard hard question…and yet I feel as though the solution I offer might actually work. KILL THE WHALES! Now I know what is going through your mind…but think about it in context of the following facts. Whales are the largest animals on the face of the earth. Think of all the water that is displaced by whales every year. Now multiply that by 42, since 42 is the number of years that I am randomly guessing as the average life span of a whale. That is a lot of water displacement. By murdering whales we can effectively negate the rising oceans. As an added bonus, we can reduce our dependency on foreign oil by using the whales that we murder as a part of a comprehensive energy reformation plan. It will indeed be a sad day when all the whales are gone…but think about the destruction of rising oceans. Also…I am positive that Mr. Spock can travel back in time and bring whales back to the future should we ever need one in an emergency.
I quote a pamphlet from the Vegan Outreach Organization to illustrate the next step of my plan. “The livestock sector is a major player, responsible for 18 percent of greenhouse emissions…this is a higher share than transport.” Analysis of this quote clearly indicates that the more animals that are alive on this planet, particularly the tasty ones, the less time we have before giant tornadoes destroy Los Angeles and a giant blizzard renders all of America except for Phoenix into a three thousand mile long popsicle. Why a vegan outreach group would advertise such a fact didn’t make much sense to me…but I’ll tell you what does make sense…eating all of these flatulating animals that are destroying our planet. If we want to save earth than we should eat more meat. Meat might be murder, but global warming is GENOCIDE!
It’s true that we will never really be affected by these climate trends, but if not our generation…what about the next…or the one after that…or the one after that…there just isn’t enough room for all of our great grand children on a terra-formed Mars, especially if you‘re poor, because that is going to be one expensive ticket. I say that it is our duty as Americans to lead forth in the world, by saving it. May we all eat steak by the lamplight of energy produced by whale oil.
---Classless Chaps---