Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least of it, unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could some special deep significance that applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, and you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true. Where was I? Oh yeah . . .
Aquarius
There is travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that pathetic void in your life by playing Whack-a-Mole seventeen hours a day.
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the E. Bola virus. Also, you ARE the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness. What are you gonna do? Cry about it? The stars predict that tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove roll of duct tape up your nose while taking you drivers test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosses face. Try eating a bucket of tuna flavored pudding. Then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent . . . except for you. Expect a big surprise today, when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick.
Libra
A big promotion is right around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back . . . KILL THEM! Take down all those pictures of Ernest Borgnine that you've got hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you are an exciting and wonderful person, but you know that they are lying. If I was you I would lock my doors and windows and never ever leave my house again.
-Classless Chaps- with a little help from Weird Al
